Motherhood- Part 3: raising a shy and kindhearted introvert in a developing nation

When Anya was three, my husband, two dogs and I moved from Kerrville, Texas to Haiti. It was a big move for my girl but she adapted better than we could have ever imagined. She loved living 100 yards from the beach and eating mangoes while we swam. She loved walking in the sand and playing with our two dogs because to her, where ever the dogs are, is home. She loved visiting the children in the orphanages and she would always be by my side helping with the kids smaller than her.

After Ezra was born, we began a children's ministry in the community that we were moving into. I remember having a couple come to visit us and tell us that we were allowing our child (who was only 4) to think she is better than the children in the Haitian culture because we did not make her sit in the group with the rest of the children. She was always wanting to help serve food and wanted to help in whatever way she could with the babies and toddlers. She had such mature and deep compassion for the children who were severely abused and neglected in the corrupt orphange we worked in. She had her gifting and yet she was so shy. I remember this one comment because it made me upset to think that someone else who visited my child for a couple of days, could possibly know what she needed. Anya barely spoke Kreyol and she was very shy. I felt like I knew as a mother, what my child needed, and it was difficult for me to hear someone tell me that I was doing it wrong. Fast forward to seven years later and I was recently remembering that prior conversation. I have since learned, that my eleven year old is extremely introverted. More introverted than I could have ever imagined. Pierre, Ezra and I are not introverted and I think it is safe to say that Zora is not introverted either. And so imagine my oldest child, trying to fit into a family lifestyle that is constantly meeting new people, staying with others, hosting others in our home, big groups of children and ministry in another language with large groups of people. One thing about my children, are that they are equal percentages Haitian as much as they are American. But just as any bi-lingual, mixed child, it is difficult to fully "fit" into either culture. In one culture they are either "too black" and in another culture they are considered "too white." They can never quite fit into the mold and they always stand out. This is extremely difficult for a child who is introverted and does not like to draw attention to herself. She desires to blend in and be like everyone else, but that is a difficult to achieve. When Anya was 5, 6 and 7 years old, she attended a private school in Haiti. She learned how to speak fluent Kreyol and she was learning French through the Kreyol language (not through English.). She loved her school and she found friends in her classroom. She was happy.

This is our girl who LOVES others and loves to make others feel better when they are upset or sad. She watched me fall apart after the death of many children we helped to take care of. She watched me barely able to get out of bed many days and I was not the parent that she deserved.

Pierre and I took a trip to Africa and we flew the kids to Wisconsin where they stayed during our trip. Upon our return to Chicago to pick up our kids and head home, Haiti became unstable and shut down for the next month. The road to get to our home was completely blocked and we made the decision for the kids and I to wait it out in the States. Pierre traveled home and took motos through plantain fields so he could protect our center and the children in our care. While we were waiting, Anya was playing at a friend's and she broke her arm in two places. She needed immediate surgery and we had no insurance. With an $18,000 Emergency Room bill and 8 weeks of follow ups needed, we knew that we could not return to Haiti where the roads were blocked and there was risk of her further injuring her broken arm. It was a bad break and she needed very specific follow up in the open cast.

This began a whirlwind of searching for a home for us to live in and figure out how we would afford to live in the States. I immediately enrolled Anya in public school in the same town that I grew up in located in Southern Wisconsin. Within a couple weeks of school, she had already endured a child calling her out in front of others and telling her that "black kids do not belong in this school" as he pointed to the door. You can imagine how this impacted our shy girl who had to adjust cultures, languages and schools- all with a broken arm and missing her daddy, dogs and home. There are many situations where Anya has had to adapt on a whim, learn how to speak to others she has never met, speak multiple languages and put on a smile even when she does not feel like it. Anya NEEDS alone time and a lot of it. She has Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I hate the term ADHD because it is too often thrown out there for children in America now a days. But, when COVID hit and we had to do school at home, I realized very quickly that there was something different in how Anya responded versus Ezra. Ezra could follow a 3-4 step direction at the age of four and Anya had a time time following through with one. It had nothing to do with intelligence and more so distraction and processing.

Again, so many times we thought this was a disciplinary action where she was choosing to not listen or obey or follow through on what we had asked her to do. It was through TIME AT HOME, wisdom and prayer, talking with her doctors and our therapists that we realized it was in fact, ADHD. She processes instructions slower (not that she IS slower because she is not) she just needs an extra few moments to process what she was instructed to do and sometimes if she is not fully listening, she will miss out on what she was supposed to do.

Last year, we spent the school year living out in California. We had this tiny split-level cabin in the mountains and the redwoods. It was beautiful and cozy, but only had one tiny bedroom and an open loft upstairs where we shared a room with the kids. A few months in, we realized that as Anya grew older she was losing her mind with Ezra. She was becoming a different person and she was becoming angry and mean. Our quiet and timid girl, could no longer stand being with our family 24-7. She found comfort in it but she was also losing her mind and so we made the decision to give her the tiny room downstairs to herself. Within days, she THRIVED. She made her space her own. She kept it clean and organized. She decorated and hung pictures that meant a lot to her. She had time to herself every night before bed so that she could read or draw. She did not mind sleeping alone and she did not mind being downstairs by herself as long as Cookie (our maltipoo) was sleeping in her room next to her. We saw many changes in this season. Changes that if we had been running around, doing ministry or traveling, we may not have had time to notice. The complex needs of our daughter could not be summed up in a fast evaluation or a visit. It was in fact, time away from everything in the world that allowed me to learn what she needs. Again, the blessing COVID provided with SLOWING DOWN was in fact, exactly what I needed to do but could not do in the seasons prior while living in Haiti.

So here it is... our beautiful 11 year old girl who wants to love everyone and make them feel special and included. Our girl who has deep compassion and intense emotions and feelings. Our girl who will think of the smallest details to make you feel loved and will serve until she has nothing left to give- and then she will give more. So in this season of returning to Haiti, I have been trying to be INTENTIONAL with her needs. She has her own bedroom and she is proud to keep it clean and organized. She loves her violin more than anything right now and she has weekly online lessons with her music teacher and friend from Wisconsin. She loves gymnastics. She loves photography and the camera she received for her 10th birthday. It was the perfect gift she can always travel with and never has to leave behind. She is a natural born photographer and she captures the beauty around her. She loves her dogs. She is obsessed with them. She is a dog whisperer and loves to train and cuddle and play with them. It is the most calming thing for her while in Haiti and was another reason we had to travel everywhere with Cookie. Anya is my horse loving kid who cannot wait to find the right horses to purchase and train in Haiti. She has names picked out and she loves things deeply. She loved equine therapy in California and she bonded with the horses she rode. She attaches easily the way that I do with animals or children. We have so much in common and yet her and I, sometimes struggle to see eye to eye because of how our brains work differently. I have judged her before I knew her needs and I have had to learn to slow down and walk her through the processes of how she thinks because otherwise Pierre and I are living in constant frustration.

We have such a long long ways to go and I pray that we do not mess her up too badly. If there is one thing I've learned, it is that every one of our children has DIFFERENT NEEDS and parenting is NOT a One-size-fits-all. With two kids you can fudge a few things but with three... it has shaped us to get our priorities in check and get our crap together so we can be better parents. Anya has been through a lot of trauma and her emotions come out through picking her lips and making them bleed and scab. She spins around and cannot focus unless it is something she is hyper focused on in which case - she will not do anything you ask her to do in that moment until she is finished. And even then she still may not do it. I see parts of myself in her and then I see parts that I have to pray and strive to learn and understand. I love her deeply and I do not always show it because her need is ONE ON ONE time doing "girls nights out." That isn't always easy in a third world country with essentially no options right now.

So we are in the process of creating our own life here that is not dependent on a functioning country. So if you know and see Anya, please know it takes time to get to know her. She opens up bShe is etter when she is painting or doing crafts and she loves to create. She is artistic, quiet, funny, loves to pull pranks and joke, servant-hearted and so crazy compassionate and loving...but she also needs time and she needs alone time to thrive. Something big she is teaching me that I need a lot more of- especially in Haiti where everything is overstimulating and chaotic. Please be praying for her sensitive and tender heart. Pray that God grows her compassion and that it is HE Who draws her nearer to His heart and sustains her throughout her life. She is one of a kind. She is Anya Elise, "God's Gracious Promise."